Good morning ladies and germs, back for another edition of “The Witty Wakeup.” Of course if you’re anything like me, you’re not fully awake, and after reading some of these stories, you’ll wish you went back to bed.
Top officials from the European Union are holding a meeting this morning to discuss the potential effects of an Italian debt crisis, as it looks as if Italy will be the next country to be riled up, with over $1.5 trillion in debt. That’s a spicy meat-uh-ball.
President Barack Obama and Republican clashed yesterday over their efforts to cut the federal deficit, having a meeting that lasted just 90 minutes. Now that’s what I call real leadership. Having a pissing match for 90 minutes and getting nothing done. Definitely “Hope and Change.”
Nestlé announced this morning to pay $1.7 billion for a 60 percent stake in Chinese confectioner Hsu Fu Chi International. I’m not sure if this a real company based in China, or the sound you make when you sneeze.
Back for another link-fest of the absurd, the obscene, and the hysterical.
The Federal Reserve released the actions it took to maintain liquidity during the financial crisis, and it showed that, the king of Wall Street, Goldman Sachs borrowed $15 billion from a program called ST OMO. Goldman being the biggest beneficiary of a government program? Nah, who would’ve thought. Not in a million years.
Republicans are showing new flexibility on taxes, as Congress tries to get a deal done on the budget talks, and avoid a default. I wonder if Boehner was crying at the thought of higher taxes. He cries when his wife doesn’t put the toilet seat down.
Christine Varney, the assistant attorney general, is leaving the Justice Department and joining Cravath, Swaine & Moore LLP. Going from one black hole to another. I thought the laws of physics made that impossible?
Back after an extended break and vacation, it was much needed. Now back to the grind with some hilarity and a tan.
Paulson & Co. made over $550 million from a recovery in the value of bonds from Lehman Brothers, as the bonds have recovered somewhat in value. This comes despite making bets on Chinese forestry company Sino-Forest and U.S bank stocks. I bet his party in the Hamptons this weekend was a drag. You can’t buy 10,000 bottles of champagne if you can’t see the forest for the trees, John.
Nestle is among the companies in talks to buy Chinese candies and pastries group Hsu Fu Chi International on a deal for more than $2 billion. $2 billion for pastries. They better make cannoli’s.
The International Swaps and Derivatives Association’s general counsel David Green said that the current proposals on the table for a second bailout for Greece are unlikely to trigger a default. So what was a default before is now not a default? I must have missed that class entitled “Crony Capitalism 101” in b-school.
Back from a long, exhausting weekend. No posts on Friday, I was in meetings all day.
Now to make you spit out your morning coffee with a couple of funny stories this morning.
French banks have agreed to an outline where they would roll over holdings of maturing Greek bonds, in order to avoid a Greek default. This does make sense. In history, the French usually are among the first to roll over. See World War 2 for more proof.
Microsoft is leading a group of companies, which includes British Sky Broadcasting, BT, Nokia, and Samsung to take the spectrum which was originally used for digital TV and turn it into a “super WiFi.” This is reportedly being done because of the heavy increase in traffic from the increased use of smart phones. If Microsoft is leading the way, it will most certainly have a “blue screen of death” option.
Here’s the delicious witty wakeup this morning. It’s even more delicious when it’s awash with oil.
Stocks fell yesterday after Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke held his second ever press conference to discuss monetary policy. Bernanke downgraded the American economy, and said he was not sure what was causing some of the problems in the economy, and what exactly was responsible for the weakness.
Ben, stocks fell yesterday. How come you weren’t hitting the buy button on your E-Trade app? What’s the matter with you?
The U.S. government is trying to get out of its stake in General Motors, but the problem here is the stock price has dropped significantly from its IPO price, and the government would lose a lot of money if it sold at these prices. This is causing a dilemma in the Obama administration.
Here’s an idea. Sell some of the stock now and make it clear to the markets you want to sell once the “price” is more stable. This means getting Timmy G. and Benny B. to get the PPT to do some work.
Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou won a vote of confidence last night, which will help his government pass austerity measures that the country needs for further financial aid from the European Union and the IMF.
I guess this means no more lamb kabobs for lunch, and people will actually have to work more than 5 hours a day. What a hard life they have over there.
Hulu said it has been approached by a potential buyer and is weighing whether to sell itself. The name that has been bandied about as the potential buyer is Yahoo. This comes as the Yahoo board is quietly trying to replace CEO Carol Bartz.
Yahoo really needs to be put out to pasture with other past its prime loved ones, like Lassie, Old Yeller, and the Simpsons. Just die already.
Philip Morris USA and other major cigarette makers could recoup $2 billion in a deal that has tentatively been reached with 46 states to settle a dispute over payments required by the landmark 1998 tobacco settlement, according to sources.
This is much better news for tobacco companies, as opposed to yesterday’s news from the FDA that they would have to display dead bodies, diseased lungs and other graphic images on cigarette warning labels. That just makes me want to light up, doesn’t it?
SABMiller PLC said this morning that it will continue to go after Foster’s Group Ltd., despite the Australian beer maker rejecting a bid worth nearly $10 billion.
Fosters. Australian for greedy.
The women who were trying to sue Wal-Mart for gender bias on behalf of 1.5 million co-workers were dealt a huge blow yesterday, as the U.S. Supreme Court said the women did not provide enough information that Wal-Mart was guilty of gender discrimination. The women will now have to fight Wal-Mart separately, as opposed to a class action lawsuit, and potentially receiving a multibillion-dollar verdict.
As long as I get to see those “people of Wal-Mart” emails in my inbox every now and then, I’m golden.
Fresh from your weekend trip to the Hamptons, it’s the witty wakeup. Grab your Red Bull, (hold the vodka for now) and read a couple of stories.
Sega Corp said yesterday that information was stolen from 1.3 million customers from its database, as the hack attacks continue around the world. As long as my data from the Sonic the Hedgehog game I was playing in 1996 is still saved, we’re all good. Oh, and the 1997 NBA Jam game I was playing where I unlocked the code for Michael Jordan to be in the game. What do you mean that never happened?
The Federal Reserve Bank of New York and the Office of the Comptroller of the Currency are going to increase the number of examiners who go to work every day at the banks they regulate in order to prevent another crisis. Great. The blind will be leading the greedy to help be “more effective.” This is supposed to end well because…??
Everyone is concerned with their finances and saving for retirement. Since most people do not work on Wall Street, or have little interest in their own money, financial advisors are supposed to be there to look after your money, and help you make the best choices for you at the specific time in your life.
Whether you’re saving for your kids college, your own retirement, a new house or something, everyone has different needs. You’re supposed to call up your financial advisor and say “Hey, Joe Series 7, what do you think are the best options for this money that my Aunt Mae left me when she croked?”
So how do you know if you need a new advisor? If your advisor acts like this, you may need a new one.
He or she is supposed to help you count your new found wealth, not actually be a count.
How the hell does this guy get any repeat business?
